A lover of mine taught me a lot about love and sex and pain and the wounds left behind. She was a bit of a dream for me. More experienced, mysterious and dynamic. I was learning to fall in love with dancing. She danced as a way of being human. She was kind and patient, terrifying and insightful..
One day she turned to me, as I remember it – out of nowhere – and said “You know there are two ways to have sex. One is a sharing where both people are fulfilled. In the other, one person can dump their garbage. It is all for them.
Sometimes she struggled with words as if they didn’t like her. Other times she said things like that. Sometimes, words just aren’t the best way to say things. Other times, they are.
After talking, she bent her body, demonstrating an unwanted intrusion, miming the pattern of a woman who is forced to painfully adjust to whatever rhythm a man inflicts upon her. She looked away “When a man is in a bad mood, he can push himself on a woman. He’ll leave happier. She’ll leave with the bad mood alive within her.” She didn’t need to say ‘don’t do that to me’.
She looked at me again, and suggested that I never even imagine making love with a woman who doesn’t love me…”When people have sex without love, they embody what the other despises..”
I never forgot these exchanges. I centered most on the sense of why. Why is it even possible to want to share something awesome, with someone who doesn’t want to share it?
When someone is wounded, the wound itself is a bundle of wound up energy, that vibrates in direct relationship to the incursion that cut into their space. Trauma exists like spiritual rape in our energy body. Whether this is a literal blade that has entered flesh, or the remnants of a soul that has been abused by rage, the wound itself lives on well after the body and mind seem to move on.
In your energy field, the wound up energy continues to vibrate. It occupies a part of your life force, sapping strength just to keep living on, parasitically. It makes sense to itself. The same pattern often acts to intrude into other people’s lives, to force itself into the world. To be more real.
This wounded spirit often acts as a tension. You may not really experience it directly very often. Yet the static of its presence can induce habitual mental strain, and physical stress. Like an unwanted song, buzzing in the background, undermining the rhythm and harmony of the life you want to be living.
For many, the act of kicking the wound out of your immediate awareness is their primary concern. When you do not have to regularly think about it anymore it seems like a wound is gone.
This is not true healing.
To get life into a state where you don’t have to feel or remember the echo of the pain, can seem to be a victory. Yet this often functions as a painful sacrifice. The healing is not over, and until it is, the resonance will continue to live inside you, draining. Keeping you weak. The state of suppression can often be a step backwards, because you will resist feeling and remembering the wound again. Often, you must feel and remember in order to fully heal. If your goal is to avoid discomfort, this cannot happen.
Hurt people hurt people. The energy of a wound contains the story of wounding. The wound is a pattern. It includes the entire play you lived through, with the roles of abuser, witness, saviour, enabler, and whoever else was somehow invested in the environment of the initial trauma. Thus, if your primary goal is to ‘stop the pain’, you may get lost in a karmic cycle.
When you’ve been wounded in some form of drama, you will be magnetized to similar stories in other forms. You will continue to live through these similar dramas, until you fully disengage from the core karma.
You will not be able to escape the pattern until your karma is complete. Yet you will be able to play other roles within similar stories. Often, these roles may seem preferable to being a victim again. You may be drawn to turn the other way when another person gets wounded, subconsciously grateful it isn’t you. Worse, when rage and hate fester, they draw minds towards a more hellish role as an abuser. When you are the one who inflicts abuse, you briefly seem free from the terror of being abused.
If you allow yourself to understand this patterning, you’ll be confronted with the painful and challenging truth of deep healing – healing is not about escaping pain. Healing is about transforming your relationship with the entire pattern that created the wound. None of the roles in such a story are acceptable. Not even the role of saviour will completely save you. Because true healing is not complete until the entire story is cleansed from your aura. Gone from your karmic life. The intensity of this truth lasts beyond lifetimes. Until you learn to transform yourself, you will continue to find roles in similar stories, haunting you.
I have never met an abusive person who was not themselves abused. In this way, our popular culture does us a deep disservice. Evil is neither powerful nor complex. It is simply the sick, wounded and broken psyche, addicted to its own pain and driving maniacly to re-experience the initial story, in a different role. In a role that seems to be powerful.
As such, to defeat evil, you have to aim deep into the mess that a wounded person has become, and see the hurt within. Then, this person must somehow be contained, and connected. The resistance at this depth of sickness, is intense. The wound itself is essentially in control of the host soul. It is making the major decisions. It is fighting with a majority of the person’s strength – fighting NOT to be weak again. So getting underneath this resistance is extremely difficult.
Underneath the resistance is a shard. The remnants of who the person was at the time of their wounding, frozen in time, caught in a broken cycle.
Imagine life as a journey on a spiral road, where progress weaves along the course of a three dimensional path. A wound traps someone in a circular loop. When life makes it around a 360 degree turn and is about to rise above an old turn in the road, the wound itself reaches out to trip the progress. The soul falls back down the spiral, forced to traverse the same territory again and again in a broken loop.
If you are honest with yourself, you will be able to identify ways in which you repress hidden rage and pain. Hopefully, these forces do not take over very often. So it’s unlikely you think of yourselves as evil. However these stuck wounds are the seeds of the worst forces we live with.
And if that is not enough to inspire you to more carefully address whatever wounds you carry, I hope it is enough to recognize that you lose your strength when you do not fully heal. It doesn’t just generate your bad moods and lethargy. It prevents you from being full and alive and prepared to invest inwhat you really want to make real. You feed your wounds with your own strength, daily.
Wounded people cannot trust enough to share true, deep intimacy, because their circuits are entrained with the pattern that hurt them. This wound supplants natural instincts and deeper love. People may seek to inflict themselves on someone else, to feel powerful within the same patterns that have wounded them. If they manage to contain these instincts, they are still bound, wound up, in cycles of feeling rage, and holding it down. Anger turned inwards in this way, creates depression.
We are bundles of energy, collections of waves of light. Imagine you have 100 strands of light. Each wave becomes committed to different aspects of you. Every morning, as you awaken to the world, you can sense yourself re-investing your own lights strands in different ways. Some of the strands of light become committed to wounds when you have not yet healed them. If you are not directly addressing them, you have to do something to work with the dissonant vibrations. This is often a simple act of repression, which absorbs still more of your energy. You are feeding the wound, and you are committing energy to hold it down, supposedly out of sight out of mind.
Lacking the ability to hold your pain down, it is possible to essentially inflict it on someone. They will be forced to adjust to your rage. By hurting someone else, they leave with the resonance you may deny as yourself. Temporarily, the vividness of such predatory behavior may alleviate the torture of the dissonant wound. Hurting someone else blocks out the pain, for a while. Yet the cycle doesn’t last, and the dissonance returns. Mastering this terror is a true victory, but it is not complete healing. True healing frees you from the entire cycle.
Yes, we can identify many shades of such sharing and encounters. Sharing that is a trade of sorts, sharing where both partners benefit, yet one is more intensely affected than another. Yet the distinction between exchanges that leave garbage, and sex that is truly making love, remains underneath it all. Are you fully alive? Is all your strength available to invest in your dreams now? If you cannot see yourself, look at your relationships. Look into how you share, and whether your sharing brings thriving life to each partner.
I will not tell you what love is. In so many ways, your answer to this question is your sacred right to shape on your own. Yet I will pray, that you only engage intimately with those who, in some way you trust, love you. May those you have left be blessed by your memory. May those who you meet soon, be open to create new dreams with you. May you thrive.
Next Blog… Healing